My favourite time on Christmas Day (25 Dec) is when I steal an hour in the local. This always follows the bratish mayhem involving parcels being ripped apart, where howls of exaggerated excitement pierce my eardrums and before hurriedly prepared festive food is torpedoed on to a lush table.
Standing by the bar and working through a second Carlsberg it appears the landlord has organised a couple of sittings today, because it’s barely 1pm and some families are staring glumly into pudding and custard bowls thinking is that it? I’m instantly drawn however to developments on a table nearby. The son-in-law has just stuffed his belly as he sits back and in true northern style unbuttons his trouser tops, pats his potbelly and swirls his brandy. His wife makes stifled conversation with her mother, just polite chat about the food and the treats on the box later. The mother is around 70, quite robust and fearsome. The bill arrives and the son-in-law appears shocked. The mother offers £20 as a contribution. The daughter looks startled however, says nothing, but cuts a glance at her husband, interpreted as: “don’t you fucking dare take £20 off my poor mother, my poor mother who has given us so much over the years, so many generous gifts, who has also bailed you out when you screwed up your business, don’t you dare take that £20 you tight fucking bastard.” The son-in-law looks at the note for a full 22 seconds before grabbing it and jumping to the bar to settle the bill.
At this stage I was desperate for a piss but held back, I needed to witness the conclusion to this real life drama. On his return he dropped into his seat, content with the generous discount on the bill, and oblivious to what was about to follow. The mother-in-law stood, twisted away and started to zip up her coat. The wife then turned on her grinning husband, spat an evil snarl at him, called him a cunt whilst stressing the “t” for several seconds before grabbing a fork and stabbing his arm. This was gripping stuff. The wife quickly followed her mother out of the pub leaving behind an embarrassed and now sober husband nursing a sore arm!
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