Massive Hernia

For anyone familiar with the layout of a Wetherspoons, they are usually pretty much the same, you’ll know that the lavatories tend to be situated miles away. I’m not suggesting we all piss in several pint glasses in the middle of the bar but the journey does tend to be up several flights of stairs then along a couple of dark corridors, this journey is made worse if you are quite pissed, or, worst case scenario, you have a medical condition.

The other day I sat opposite a Wetherspoons drunk sporting the thickest moustache ever, at first I thought this grey black strip of Velcro could be fake, it seemed to keep both cheeks together and prevent his face from falling apart like a badly packed doner kebab. Then is if by magic I joined his world, I could see everything in slow motion, his world. He was so pissed he lifted an empty pint glass to his lips, left it there for an eternity before realising it was empty.

He then made the first of three unsuccessful attempts to stand, each time thumping straight back onto his arse. On the fourth attempt he stood and miraculously held his balance only to display what could only have been a gigantic hernia, for good effect he patted it to ensure it was still there, satisfied that it was he twisted and then by instinct alone, made a steady but wobbly ascent towards the lavatories.

After twenty minutes the drunk returned, hernia intact and sporting several damp spots on his light denim jeans. He seemed to contemplate whether to make an attempt to sit, but decided against it and continued to stand as he fumbled in his pocket. It wasn’t long before he conjured up the familiar sight of Cutter’s Choice. How he managed to capture the few remaining specs of tobacco onto a trembling Rizzla paper is unfathomable. He was so pissed he managed to roll his smoke without moistening the gummed edge of the paper, but satisfied with his work he managed to find his mouth. With cigarette in position, he gobbed on his fingers before smoothing down his moustache then patted his hernia for a final time before stumbling out.