Conversations With A Racist

I’ve come to the conclusion today (2 July 2011) that Wetherspoon pubs are homes to homophobic alcoholic racists. I’m in the Bright Helm on West Street, Brighton perched uncomfortably on a window stool and supping a Carlsberg. To my right stands an 8ft giant with a thick Cornish accent and sporting a 2ft goatee a la ZZ Top. He soon engages me in a conversation about toe nails and how effective they are in combat; I should have stepped away then when I had a chance. A large-breasted woman, not particularly attractive, bit of a dog really, hurries past in front of the window prompting White Goatee Mountain Man to comment that “if it wasn’t pissing down with rain he’d be after her and she wouldn’t be able to resist.” My response was quite pathetic really, something like “yeah, probably.”

I started to feel extremely unsafe when the Cornishman soon started a conversation with an imaginary third person referred to as “you black drinker” who could only have been a hallucination. The Cornishman continued by insisting “lorry loads of blacks and pakkis needed to be shipped back to Africa.” Pakkis to Africa – why? The black drinker thankfully departed As White Goatee Mountain Man returned his attention to me, just as I was about to leave. He dropped his hand onto my shoulders, a clear indication that I was to remain his audience. I estimated his waist to be around 58 inches, no, probably more. He started boasting of recent sexual conquests, “covering hot birds in bucket loads of cum.”

I’m quite relaxed about pornography but this animal was making me feel quite sick especially when I started imagining startled Bernard Mathews turkeys drenched in Cornish semen! I had to take an imaginary call on my Iphone and turned my back on him, which was not a clever idea because he insisted on having a 3-way conversation with my “bird.” He then went on to boast about (convincingly I thought) shagging Su Pollard (of Hi Di Hi fame) when she came to Brighton for Christmas Panto a few years back – could this be possible? He also “skewered” some tart from Emmerdale around the same time and he concluded his porn star reminiscences by remembering a time when a “hot bird” from Eastenders “tried it on with him” but sadly White Goatee Mountain Man just couldn’t be bothered!